identifiably falling

I think you get the feeling that I enjoy falling away, falling away from this world of structure, this world of suffocated individuals who tend to lose themselves and their identity in jobs, in material possessions, in relationships; in things our structured society has to offer. Yea, on a normal day my mind does not live

within those walls, my heart song does not play within society’s fortress. Although, I fall into this society more than I’d like to think, I fall corrupted and chaotic - at a loss for my identity because my soul has been sold to the society of locked seams and cycles that will eventually destroy all we are, or it will build us back into Babylon’s pinnacle of mankind.

Can we delineate the motives and the ingenuity behind the Sistine chapel? Because I don’t think a heart sold to society could have generated a masterpiece such as that. I’m not trying to be one of those hippie, mind-wandering, heart-wavering seeking truth and identity in a route that consists of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing type of person. I just know that I am not created for concrete walls built from social status, roles and social networks. I know that my self-esteem is a mere erroneous appraisement of myself.

There have been chokka boats (calamari fishermen) sitting out at sea every night for the past week here. I love seeing them, It makes my heart a little warmer when I can look out over the rooftops of Jeffrey’s Bay and see the dark waters to only be decorated with floating lamps. High, high up above these waters the moon is painted pretty colors of harvest sky back home. High, high up the stars twinkle with white and red hues. High, high up there is a God living with a fire of love, crazy over what he has made.

High,high up is where my soul exists. Not of this world, but of His world. High, high up above this horizon line my hope lies within a man not of this realm.

Can we delineate the motives and ingenuity behind our own hearts? Can I truly say that I live with an identity fully thrown into the identity of the Lord? If I look at my life, where my time is spent, where my money is spent – If I look at the way my heart warms over chokka boats, harmonica chords and rhubarb pie. Can I judge how the little things of our world can prick my heart chords, the same strings God plays. My motives: selfish, majority of the time. My ingenuity: normally runs by caffeine and would actually be much more productive if I allowed it to run by an amphetamine drug like speed, thankfully I care more about not going jail and my bodily health than I do productivity. (plus being addicted to a bearded president who kept his notes in his top hat, is weird enough).

I do like to think though, that I am honest with my motives and my ingenuity. Seeing that it’s practically impossible to insult me, that only comes from honesty. Seeing that I have freedom; not because I have rebelled against our society by

burning my bras, but I have freedom because I’m not only free from the opinions of others but I’m trying to be free of my opinions of myself. Accepting the fact they matter just as much as stranger Joe on the corner’s opinion.

“My deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done absolutely nothing to earn it or deserve it.” And accepting that “Any identity outside of a radical definition of one beloved by God is an illusion.”

So… What I’m trying to say is that you should try this whole ‘falling away’ thing. Not falling away from our world, from our productive, self-sustaining confident society – But falling into a loving God. What I’m trying to tell you is that if I am honest with myself I tend to lose myself quite often in these concrete walls, not that society locked me up in but the walls I locked myself up in. That I would keep falling away into darkness and despair and self-destruction if I didn’t look in the mirror at the ragamuffin spirit I am. For the poverty of my soul is identified in the tremendous, mysterious love of God. Everyday I forget that, I lose myself. Everyday I remember that, I fall into Him.